When Chaos Unexpectedly Enters Your Safe space

When we first made the decision to get a puppy, we thought about how amazing it would be for Jack; Jack would have a buddy, a best friend, who he would love and play with. Our family and closest friends all agreed it was an amazing decision and a puppy would be a wonderful companion for Jack. After the first week the excitement for Jack began to fade and we started to notice Jack was hitting Frank. Frank was invading Jack's space, for example; Jack is obsessed with trains, no one is allowed to touch them unless he invites you into his train world! Naturally, Frank did not understand boundaries, and attempted to play trains too, by stealing one and running away with it, to a corner to gnaw on it...and then pure rage would commence! UGH Don't get me wrong there were happier moments for Jack and Frank, they loved to run around the house like wild animals chasing each other or going on walks and chasing a ball which would cause uncontrollable laughter for Jack and it warmed our hearts. When Frank first entered our lives we felt we were up to the challenge of a puppy but as time went on we quickly realized we took on more than we could handle. I knew puppies were a lot of hard work, potty training alone almost sent me into a tail spinning nervous breakdown. As a parent of an autistic child who I already give 120% to, adding a puppy only added more stress and even less time for myself. Don't misunderstand, I love this little fella with all my heart but the chaos that came with him became unbearable. I started to watch behaviors come out of son that I hadn't seen in over a year, and with a vengeance for that matter. The throwing, hitting, biting, and screaming was mind blowing and exhausting. Add to that a puppy who Jack loved and hated, and all hell was breaking loose! If Frank was bothering him I'd put Frank in the crate to settle him down but that too caused meltdowns, Jack didn't want Frank in the crate or near him all at the same time. Imagine that! Every day was a constant struggle, a constant battle that was I losing. Initially, I could not figure out why Jack's behaviors were spiking, one Saturday he went into time out 20 times, no exaggeration it was that bad, and many of those times involved poor Frank who took the brunt of Jack's increasing anger. As his bad behaviors started to increase they also started to follow him places they'd never been before, like my parents house. These off the chart behaviors we're happening with my mom, a person who generally gets the pure angel side of Jack. "School" aka ABA Therapy started to notice a spike in behaviors as well. So when the chaos finally hit fan, I realized I had lost control in our safe space, I was yelling at Jack, yelling at the dog; who absolutely refused to stay off the couch, and I officially felt like I was on crazy pills. The stress and anxiety levels my husband and I were feeling were now also off the charts. I know just how difficult my son can be, I thought I had seen it all, I was wrong! It can be much much more difficult and horrible. We had all moved way past our breaking points. 

Frank is a gorgeous puppy and so so smart but also extremely wild! My mom raised a puppy and even she said she'd never experienced the wildness quite like this. These "boys" fueled each other into a frenzy! He is a good boy in puppy standards, he just needs constant attention, affection and playtime, time I don't have but tried to give. If I had won the lottery like I was supposed to, I would have invested in more proper training for Frank, but not only does training cost money it also requires more time. Anyone in our situation knows time is one thing we don't have much of. No longer was my son getting 120% of my attention, I had to share it with Frank, who doesn't understand time out, but he did his best to play on his own when I could not play tug of war. My son's behaviors began to spike because half of my attention was given to our puppy, and we quickly realized that for Jack and his needs, this was unacceptable. I feel like a failure on every level, from my husband, to our son, and to our fur baby, I was exhausted and stressed all time and I felt like I had lost all control. We just didn't see this coming, we had no idea whatsoever that this would ultimately change Jack for the worse and the impact it would have on him or how quickly it would affect not only our immediately family, but others who helped us take care of him.

It's heartbreaking to say the least, I am devastated and have been crying for days. Crying over the loss of a family member, whose sweet face I can't erase from my mind. Crying because my son asks me every day, several times a day "where's Frank", "is Frank home"; truly the most devastating questions I think I've ever heard. He knows he has gone to a new home, we tell him we will visit him in time and so far he doesn't appear to be sad about it. However, I have no idea if at 4 years old, he really understands Frank is gone...forever. As sad as I am, I feel more sad for my son who doesn't really know what happen to Frank or where he went or even why. And for sweet Frank, I was his mommy his everything and poof it happened so fast does he think I'll be back like last time, and I'm sure he doesn't actually miss me but what if he does? On that note, we did find him an amazing home with our dear friends' son, who has nothing but time and love to give to Frank. Frank's life with us was unfair for him, and I know that now, this is the right thing to do for all of us. I know in my heart we had to do what is best for our son's well being, it doesn't make it any easier though, Frank was only with us for a short time but it felt like a lifetime. I wish we could wait it out, wait for Frank to become the amazing companion I know he would be for Jack, waiting for Jack to grow out of this phase of crazy, unfortunately that may require our house burning down first.  

So on a positive note, or not, but really, Frank has been away for five days and already I am seeing my son return to me, our house feels calmer.  We are picking up the pieces from our little tornado Frank, who I can't stop waiting for by the freezer every time I open it, to come begging for an ice chip. So time will tell if we made the right decision. Who knows maybe five, six years from now we may try again, but definitely not a puppy, an older calmer dog!

And dog lovers please don't misunderstand, we don't blame Frank, he's a puppy, we blame ourselves. Jack wasn't ready for a companion, and he's emotionally not ready for his space to be invaded. We didn't see the impact this dog would have on him, if Frank were a gold fish he'd most certainly be dead already! Just sayin!! (Insert sarcasm font)

As a side note, I apologize for the back to back heartbreak posts, unfortunately life isn't always as we planned, I write my life as I live it, honest occasionally brutal but always from the heart. This current life lesson is for anyone considering the addition of a puppy to the family, if your child has aggressive traits that so many of our autistic children have, I hope this helps you to see the other side, the side you most likely won't see coming. For me personally, I envisioned an amazing therapeutic addition to our son's life, it was anything but that, apparently that costs money, lots and lots and lots of money! I am certain not every one's story will end the same way by adding a puppy to the mix, just hoping our journey's purpose will serve as some good food for thought before you add a little chaos to your safe space!

Hugs from a fellow Warrior

Em xoxo

Forever in our Hearts!
 We will love you and miss you always, sweet Frank!