I wanted to share a very real, very incredible fellow momma warrior's video about losing and finding hope and grieving the loss of a child that you dreamt about before you met. Yes, I hear you, it sounds crazy and already you want to pass judgment on what kind of mothers we are. However, what you will actually see is a mother who had huge dreams for her son when he was just a sparkle in her eye and now has new dreams for the son she received. If you do not have a child with Autism or some other disability, you may never understand what its like to grieve the loss of a child who is standing right in front of you.
I personally went through at least the first 2 stages and I am probably consistently lingering somewhere between 4 and 5 now. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Denial right out of the gate, which even today I regress once in awhile when we go 5 to 6 days without a meltdown, "Maybe he isn't Autistic, he is just incredibly stubborn" and then reality sets in and back to acceptance I go. And anger, phew that was a rough one and again I still go there too! "Why me God, why didn't I get the normal baby I prayed for my entire life, it's so difficult and I am angry, I am so damn angry my son isn't "normal",I cannot do this!!" "Yes you can whispers my inner voice Yes you can!" and back to number 5 once again. You see my whole life I wanted a baby, and after a year and a half of trying and fertility that dream became a reality. I was on top of the world...well mostly pregnancy was not all glowy and rainbows, I was a straight up hormonal crazy person who never actually felt good. But the excitement of that baby to come, I was in love and the dreams of what my child would be like, I pretty much envisioned our entire lives together from birth to grandchildren. And the day I heard the news, my heart sank, fear took over and my dreams were shattered into a million pieces at me feet. However like the the momma in this video you start to have new dreams new hopes, different from what you thought you'd have, still wonderfully amazing just different.
With that being said, my son is now on the high functioning side of the spectrum, a place I did not know we would be at on day one or even day 250. But today I see now that all my dreams were not shattered, I'll tell you what he has an left arm, woo wee, I see mounds and diamonds in his future, First Autistic Left Handed Pitcher here we come! LOL There may be parts of Jack's life I may never see that I once dreamed of for him. I don't know what the future holds. My dreams for my son are alive and well, even today a dream has come true, today Jack ate a multi-vitamin, an actual chewable chalky slightly sour multi-vitamin...Living the dream right there! I have been preaching it all week...It's the little victories that count now, every single one of them! Find those in your own child and your dreams will reignite! So while I may not know this Momma warriors pain as she feels it and what she has been through her video is amazing and relatable, and I wanted to share it in the hopes of someone like myself, like her who are struggling with their own feelings.
For my fellow warriors, whose child is on the moderate or severe side of the spectrum, I see you, I see your pain and I know your grief, you are not alone, you are not an evil shell of a mother for your feelings of grief. What saddens me the most is that some mothers criticized this warrior, because she was honest and real. Mother shaming, parent shaming it has got to stop! It's so out of control! Regardless if you have a child with disabilities or a neuro-typical child or a nerdy child, let's stop shaming of fellow parents who are doing their best and trying to share their journey. Just because I or any mother for that matter, throw a quick truth bomb out there doesn't mean we have opened the floodgates for the haters, if you don't like what I have to say then move on you don't have to listen to me or read what I write. Let's get back to the roots of our Grandparents, whose motto was "If you don't have something nice to say than keep your damn mouth shut." Oh my bad, that's my Grandma, yours may not have used "damn", but you get the the point!
Be kind fellow momma warriors!
Em xoxo
